You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
