Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
