I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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