why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize