she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
