I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
