come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
