Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
