I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
