I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
