i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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