I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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