Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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