I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
