i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
