i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
