I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
