my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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