Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
