he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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