If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
