Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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