If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
