Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
