Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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