I wish my penis had an off switch
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
