i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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