this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
