Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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