Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize