I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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