Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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