When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
