just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize