please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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