I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's blow job season.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
