So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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