So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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