he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
