The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
