I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
