i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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