it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize