I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
