fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
