My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
