I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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