he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
