She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
