The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
