i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
