Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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