I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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