who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
