Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
