I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
