Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
