hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
