I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
