I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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