woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
