You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
