We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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