So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
