Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize