i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
