We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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