Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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