yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
