I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
