i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
