you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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