i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
