I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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